FIRST TIME AT A DOG
First time at a Dog
Show, I’ll tell you quite plain,
I’ll never, no never go near one again.
The breeder said, “Show him!” when I
bought my dog
I showed him alright, the whole place was agog.
They gave me a number,
they gave me a pin
But I couldn’t bear to stick the thing in,
So I rushed to the shop and bought some super
And I stuck the card onto his back – in the
We arrived at the
ringside to find we were first
In the puppy dog class (this part is the worst)
We marched in together as fast as was able,
Arrived at the judge who said “Up on the
This really surprised
me, my skirt was quite tight;
And I just couldn’t make it, try as hard
as I might;
The judge looked quite worried, he said, “Listen
Put your DOG on the table, not you my dear.”
By now I was trembling,
I felt such a fool’
But I said to myself – “play it cool
– play it cool”
“How old?” said the judge, I heard it
Well really, I thought and said, “Thirty
The steward, poor
fellow, threw a kind of a fit,
He spluttered, he coughed, and his eyes ran a
“I’d have that cough seen to,”
I said to him when
He’d finally stopped….then he started
round the ring dear, as fast as you can,”
Said the judge, so I did, I just ran and I ran;
But when I arrived (Out of breath, I admit)
The judge said,”your DOG dear,”I felt
such a twit.
round once again, I kept my head bent
Oh, the shame, my pup crouched, he just went and
A lady came running with a bucket and spade.
With manure so pricey, has she got it made!
back to the judge who said with a frown
“Stand your dog,”I said, “Please
sir, he’s not lying down.”
“You can take the first place stand.”
He said- I said- Ta
What a job I had getting that stand in the car!!!!!!
NEW SHOW PUP.
Heartworm, parvo, fleas and mange,
Ticks and worms and rabies,
Parasites, herpes, cuts
Haemophilia and scabies.
Broken bones, entropion,
Hypothyroid, kennel cough,
We raise our pups so carefully,
We watch for all these ills,
We dose them with the proper
Of shots and salve and pills.
A fortune do we lavish on
This wonder dog – or
And what does he reward
He’s either under or
Your family has no holidays,
Your spouse gives up his
The bucks are all spent
on the dog,
Who just never grows a coat.
You brush and comb and socialise
But it’s the honest
That all the time and all
Won’t hide the missing
There is not time left for your
To take the hoped-for trip,
You spend your days just
The coat that he has just
The elbows go out, the topline
The tail is too low or gay,
The angulation just isn’t
The pigment has turned grey.
Just try your best, give them
Vet care and food and water,
But it’s only by a
stroke of luck
That they turn out like
(back to top)
A “YUPPIES’ TALE.
Once upon a time there lived a
charming “yuppie” in a penthouse, atop
a skyscraper in the heart of Sydney. Although
our “yuppie” had all the material things
money could buy, such as a Club Sports Holden,
an Omega watch, designer suits, and even a private
box at the Opera, he found himself very lonely.
He seemed to have plenty of friends, but when
put to the test his so called “friends”
failed him. All they seemed interested in was
his worldly possessions and not in himself. After
all he was just an ordinary, run of the mill type
“Alas”, cried he, where
can I find a true friend who will just love me
for what I am. The waitress
at the trendy coffee lounge heard his cries and
after picking up the tip, gave him this advice.
“Go out and get yourself
a dog – you silly ass, “ she advised.
So out he went and bought himself
a dog – not just any dog – a standard
poodle on which he lavished the best of everything.
But our “yuppie” friend
had a thing about flowers, growing them, that
is. And on the roof of his penthouse, on the skyscraper
high above Sydney Harbour, he had this beautiful
potted garden of flowers. He had them artfully
arranged so that they hid the pure ugliness of
the rooftop and the cornice around his penthouse.
But to his dismay, his elegant poodle also had
a penchant about flowers – But his thing
was to lift his leg and water the flowers. This
dreadful habit was the first rift that grew in
the relationship of the yuppie and his dog.
When the bad news reached the
ears of the helpful waitress, she again offered
him invaluable advice.
“ Yuppie”, she said,”
perhaps a course in Dog Obedience will be helpful
in solving the problem”.
What a wonderful idea, thought
the Yuppie. So home he went to his penthouse and
his fingers did the walking through the yellow
pages until he found the phone number and address
of the Redfern Dog Obedience Club. He enrolled
in the classes and both he and the poodle were
doing very well.
Eager to stay ahead of the ordinary
people and their dogs he decided to train the
dog himself. His dog had now progressed to the
“stays”. So he obtained the manual and
started to practise at home. .
“Down your dogs” the
lesson read. – present the palm of your hand
to the dog’s muzzle, command “STAY’
and back away one step, then another and then
On the fifth backward step, our
Yuppie friend tripped over a potted petunia, plunged
over the cornice and plummeted 34 stories downward
to a sad end.
And that dear Obedience people,
is how the exercise came to be known as
“The long down with the handler
out of sight.”
(back to top)
GONE TO THE DOGS
There was a time, there really
When I was young and tender.
When “Show Dog” meant a Disney star
and “bitch” was not a gender.
I went to bed at half past ten,
I went to church on Sunday.
On Saturday, I baked the beans,
and did the wash on Monday.
But then I got a certain pup.
An erstwhile friend said “Show”.
And so I did, and so I do,
Oh, what I didn’t know.
Once I dressed with flair and
That was the life- don’t knock it.
Now every dress from bed to ball
Must have a good bait pocket.
I used to have a certain air,
I wallowed in perfume.
I used to smell like Nuit d’Amour,
Now I smell like Mr Groom.
My furniture was haute décor,
My pets a tank of guppies
Now I’ve furniture that is un-stuffed,
And well adjusted puppies.
I used to long for furs and jewels.
and a figure classed as ‘super’
But now the thing I long for most,
Is a nice new pooper scooper.
I was taught to be well groomed,
No matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do
Is in my little tent.
While once I spoke in pristine
In dulcet tones and frail,
I now am using language.
That would turn a sailor pale.
I adored a man tho murmured verse
Through intimate little dinners,
But now the words I like to hear,
Are just 3 – Best of Winners.
I really love my doggy life,
I wouldn’t care to change it.
But when I win that Best in Show,
I could maybe re-arrange it.
And when my days on earth are
I’ll go without much nudging.
Just give me 3 weeks closing time,
And let me know who’s judging.
(back to top)
How long have you
been with dogs?
I asked this old chap at the show.
Forty –odd years and more,
not much that you
I’m still learning, he said,
I’m still learning.
And it made me ponder a while
On those who knew it all in three months,
And I gave him a ghost of a smile.
You could tell
he’d have none
Of the new-fangled
He was old-fashioned right
down to the core.
But I’ll bet when judges
His name would rank up there in the fore.
He would have
hunted and shot over dogs
Before most of us had been born
He’s sat in the woods
And with them scented before dawn.
He’s bred, shown, paraded and judged,
He knew it all outside from in.
“But I’m still learning,” he
“I’m still learning.”
With his quiet, unobtrusive small grin.
So all we ringside
All we experts, who own just ONE pup,
Remember that old guy’s forty years
Of “still learning”
And for goodness sake learn to SHUT UP.
Though some folks
think I am, I'm not;
Though YOU perhaps show signs,
But in us it's surely justified:
Just LOOK at our dog's lines!
They really can't
Which is more than some can say,
And the pups WE'VE bred are perfect,
And will beat the lot, someday.
To be SLIGHTLY kennel blind;
Your dogs ARE bred from my dogs,
And there ARE no faults in mine!
But doesn't it
just sicken you
To hear that Mrs. Bing
Has PUPPIES from her ghastly pair
Due later in the Spring?
You wonder that
she had the NERVE
To breed from "A" and "B;"
He's crippled; and she's cowhocked;
And they surely have HD.
(You can see it
in their movement,'
No matter WHAT the vet's say.
I wonder why folks waste their time
And money on an x-ray?)
Beat my dog? Well, I'm no prude,
But I hear on good authority
The judge that day was stewed!
Reminds me of
the dog from East
That always wins at shows
But only under judges
That the owner really knows.
And how about
the dog from West
That won the other day?!
I hear the owner had THAT judge
Around her place to stay!
a jealous lot
I'm sure you will agree;
They seldom have a good word
For the winner...but not me!
I never mind when beaten
By a better dog than mine;
But he's not been born--AND NEVER WILL--
AND I'M NOT KENNEL BLIND!!!!!!